There wasn't any oxycodone left, so as I was searching desperately for something else, I came across ambien in the med cabinet. A quick web search later and I learned that this would do the trick, however, I should have read the information more carefully, as I would have learned that taking more than 10mg could be dangerous.
I took 30mg.
I still can't remember everything that happened but I know I was watching a show online and drawing, actually, more like TRYING to draw (see above) and I started seeing double and feeling as though the lines on the paper were moving and in 3D. I was making cornbread and went downstairs to take it out of the oven, but don't remember actually taking it out, but I do recall trying to cut it. I think I was using a pizza cutter and it was abnormally hard to cut! Then my Mom came out of nowhere and yelled at me and kicked me out of the kitchen. I went back downstairs a while later to get dinner, but don't know how I got the food on the plate and back upstairs to eat. My Mom yelled at me again when I tried to do the dishes, so I went to bed.
As you can see, I had a pretty eventful night, although not one I'd like to relive, mind you. So that's why I'm writing this, because I want to stop this behavior and be happy again.
After a conversation this morning with my Mom, I need to stop looking for a quick fix or a way to cover up my feelings, but rather face the issues now head on. Even though she didn't really understand the issues that led me to take pills, I know that she's right. I need to deal with my emotions or else life will just continue to suck for me.
So, here I am again, on the recovery road, but it's okay because we all have our ups and downs and life isn't a straight line. I've been at the bottom before and managed to get to the top, so I know I am capable of doing it again, I just need to give myself time and be more positive.
Hopefully I can keep up with posting about how it's going, but we'll see how it goes. I know it's not gonna be easy or fun, but it'll hopefully be worth it. Because I want to live and I want to be happy.
Right now, since I don't have a therapist, I'm going to start reading my OSHO books and make time for both yoga and meditation, as well as putting together my art work so I can start selling it online. I think that this will help me to feel like I'm actually doing something, rather than just sitting around all day. As other ideas come up, I'll share, and if you have any suggestions, I would greatly appreciate anything!