It's hectic and my posting schedule has been compromised, but I'm not going to beat myself up about it. All I can do is the best I can, so I won't be posting Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday anymore (at least for the summertime) but instead, I will try to plan on posting on Wednesday and Friday and Sunday!
Lately, too, I just haven't been in the mood to write anything remotely decent, and I'm not sure why. I must have like twenty draft posts in the making but not a single word has been written, simply because I just can't seem to get my thoughts to flow.
But I have a lot going on, like I said. I also don't get school vacation like everyone else because I do online classes so that is consuming a lot of my free time as well as the fact that I a studying for my personal trainers cirtification which I will receive in July!!
But anyways, enough about me, here's today's post:
If you've been following me for any long degree of time, you'll know that my Dad and I have not always gotten along.
At the start of my eating disorder, our already semi-rocky relationship took a turn for the worst. I stopped speaking to him altogether.
I thought it was a game. One that would hurt my Dad as much as he hurt me. The longest I went without saying a word to him was four months.
My Dad is not too savvy when it comes to saying the right things, in fact, for as long as I can remember, he has always said the wrong things. Things that would refer to appearance, mine and others. Things that would revolve around women and their bodies. Things that just got to me.
I remember countless times that he told me I needed to take a shower because I looked disgusting, times when he asked me, "are you really going to wear that?", and times when he would just look at someone who was overweight and make a mean comment about them.
I feel as though, along with multiple other reasons, these words my Dad spoke, started certain behaviors that eventually led to my anorexia.
If my Dad was so concerned with people's outward appearance, then I felt I had to meet his expectations and stay skinny and pretty.
At the time I didn't really notice that his words were shaping my actions, but I knew that they hurt me on the inside. Every time he would make a comment, I would cringe and become angry.
I believe this is also what led to my period of silence between us.
However, as much as I hoped that my Dad would change from my subtle cues that what he was doing hurt me, he didn't. No matter what I did or eventually said to him never got through his brain. He just didn't get it.
He didn't get my anorexia. He didn't get my actions, and he didn't get why I was the way I was.
Now, if you read my post on TinyBuddha a couple of weeks ago, you'll know how I saved our relationship and how today, we are talking and getting along even though my Dad never changed his ways.
How could this be?
After a while of being angry, I finally realized that my Dad was not going to be any different. In fact, I had many things in common with my Dad that at first I hated to admit.
I had the same sense of humor, the same angry out lash, the same stubbornness, and the same love for being right.
When I was finally able to admit these things, I saw something that changed my views. I realized that even though I was trying my best with everything, so was my Dad. Although he wasn't meeting the standards I had in my mind that I wanted him to be, he was trying his best.
He was doing what he knew how to do. And although it wasn't what I wanted, I needed to accept that and move on.
I learned how to forgive my Dad for his actions and words slowly, through the process of The Work. It was far from easy, but along the way I was able to start talking to my Dad again and began our relationship from the beginning.
To this day, my Dad still says things I don't like. Just the other day I got in his truck and the first thing he said to me was, "You need a tan on those chicken legs!"
But I don't let these things bother me anymore. I let his words roll off my shoulder because I know who I am now. I know my Dad is my Dad, and I accept both of us for who we are.
Making these changed and taking the steps I did to mend our relationship has been hard but amazing. I have my Dad back. I have myself back.
So,Happy Father's Day Dad.
Do you have a good relationship with your Dad? If not, how come?