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Five Things I Learned From Working on a Vermont Vegetable Farm

10/13/2015

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I've been working as a farmer as part of a field crew for seven months and it's been one of the best experiences of my life. Yes, it's hard work and yes sometimes I hate it, but I have learned so many positive things, many that have made me a better person. 
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1. I have learned that I am capable of doing the work. When I first saw the job listing for a farm crew hand I immediately scrolled onward, thinking I could never handle that type of work. It would be too much for me. But because I was up for a challenge, I was able to prove myself wrong. I CAN do it. I can work hard and get my hands (legs, feet, and face too) dirty!

2. I learned that I am capable of getting to know people and making friends. Before getting the job, moving to Vermont, and basically "starting my life", I sat at home and isolated myself because I was afraid to socialize. By working at the farm, it has forced me out of my shell, at least somewhat. I was able to make friends, talk to people, share stories with them, and chat among them without too much effort. Of course some days were (and still are) harder than others, but a vast improvement from six months ago. 

3. I learned how to communicate. On top of learning how to interact with other humans, I also picked up the skill on how to communicate effectively with others, especially in order to get things done. No matter who I have to work with or what has to get done, I can now manage to get my ideas across and give direction to others. I learned how to use my voice! I can speak up now, maybe even yell!

4. I learned how to use the produce I was seeding, planting, weeding, and harvesting. I asked, searched, and experimented with almost everything I was growing. I learned how to "eat-with-the-seasons" and how to cook awesome meals for the hubby and me, as well as learning how to preserve certain foods. Among the deliciousness: potato-leek soup, traditional pizza sauce, fresh basil-infused pizza dough, dried herbs (basil, thyme, savory, sage, tarragon, parsley, etc), roasted garlic, pesto, sauerkraut, salsa, and frozen carrots, squash, beets, spinach, peppers.
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5. And probably the most important of the things I learned was how to push through and let go. In the first few weeks of work, I desperately wanted to quit for social reasons (I couldn't figure out how to deal with people!) but I pushed through and didn't let myself quit. I learned how to carry on even when things were hard or I felt useless. I learned how to let things go such as people's comments or actions, and if I did something wrong, I managed to bounce back and still show up the next day. I had turned a page in this area of my life because in the past, if something went wrong or I felt like others didn't like me/need me, I would just quit, walk out, never come back. I learned to move past insecurity and how to stand on my own two feet while using my own unique voice. 

The season is coming to an end now, there isn't a lot left to harvest and that makes me sad (it was my favorite task), but I learned that this is okay. For now I can go with the flow, and come back next year if that is where my path leads. If not, at least I got to experience the farm life for a little while, enough to make a much needed impact on my life and mental state. 
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Sadness is My Comfort Zone

12/3/2013

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I guess it's about time I stop hiding and post something eh?

Yes, I have to admit that I've been avoiding writing for one main reason that I'm not okay. 

I have been 'surviving' and even though my eating is fine, I have more days when I'm down than when I'm up. This is a complete flip-flop from the summer, as I thought I was doing good and I was happy, but now I can't say I am happy and I know I'm not alright.

It's hard for me to write this on this blog because I feel like I should be 'better' to write on here. I should be giving advice to those who are suffering, but how can I sit here and do that when it's myself who needs advice? 

But no one is perfect and recovery is sloppy. This is just another valley I have to go through in order to get to the other side right? Well, at least I'd like to think so. 

So yeah, like I said, eating's been fine, not really struggling there, but I'm depressed and suicidal. There, I said it. There's more times that I think about ending my life, than saving it. And I've never really said this out loud except to Ben, because when people are suicidal, others think they're crazy, messed up, stupid, etc. 

I feel as though I just haven't been myself, like something inside me cracked and I don't know how to go about fixing it. Or even if it can be fixed. 

What do you do when life is no longer something you want to do? What do you do when nothing makes you as happy anymore?

I can't seem to figure out what went wrong, where I broke, but I'm sinking faster than I can keep myself afloat. I tried to cut myself and I've taken Oxy and alcohol to try to soothe the pain of my emotions but where is that going to get me? Just deep into a different addiction which will end up controlling me instead. I know how it works, how people get hooked on certain things, and yet I'm doing it fully aware of the reality. 

I just want to escape. Escape this messed up life, escape my thoughts, escape my emotions and pain. I don't want to feel anything anymore because it hurts too much. I really just can't deal with everything and that's why ending it all sounds so appealing. 

It's the easy route and that's what I want. I'm sick of everything being so damn hard. I don't want to have to work at being happy, hell, I could care less about being happy. I just want to be numb. 

I just don't feel good enough for anyone anymore. I constantly fail at things and am incapable of doing anything right. The best part of my days is the gym because when I'm there I get lost in the exercises and don't think. I shut my brain off and relax, but as soon as I get home I am smacked in the face with reality and shit hits the wall. 

My days are spent waiting for them to be over. Or I just sleep and waste time that way. Sleeping has become one of my favorite things because, again, my brain shuts off and thinking ceases. Nothing can be wrong when I'm asleep. 

I know people think I need help and I won't argue with them. I need help, but I don't want help. It's almost as if sadness, for me, is my comfort zone, I know what it's like here and so why leave? I don't believe things will get better so why try?

And yet, there is a voice inside telling me that this isn't really who I am, that this sadness doesn't have to be my life. Maybe I should hone in on this voice instead of listening to the negative one. But it's too hard. 

Tayla

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    Tayla Anne

    She'll Be Free is my outlet for all things wonderful, healthy, loving,and strong. I am passionate about helping others find confidence and self-love through knowing their worth and finding their strength. 

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