I fidget. I have to do something with my hands, itch my head, crack my knuckles, play with my rings, etc. When I'm nervous, I can't sit still, but I never really thought it was an issue until my mind started to wonder and I ended up online looking up my habits.
The funny thing was, I wasn't the only one! I guess other people have the same struggles, it's called OCD. Haha.
I proceeded to tell my Mom about my findings while on our nightly walk and what she said made me question how labeling something about ourselves can have negative affects on our minds.
My Mom's response was along the lines of, "Tay, if you live your life according to the labels people use to describe you, you'll always be boxed in." and "Just because you read online that your fidgeting is normal, doesn't give it permission to be healthy."
At first, my defenses went up and I tried telling her that I wasn't using this new label as anything other than a cool explanation of my weird habits. But later that night I realized that my Mom was right.
Labels have always been something I've clung to. I almost feel special or something because I can say, "Oh yeah I have that", or "Yeah I have this or that so I'm different and weird."
I don't know guys, am I crazy or does this feeling happen to anyone else??
I know when anorexia was a bigger part of my life, I used it as a label so I could feel special or unique from others. I didn't have the personality that everyone else had around me. I was quiet and shy and not outgoing, so my turn-to-method of coping was the thought "well if I'm smaller and thinner than they are, then I have something they don't".
Does that make any sense?
I guess what I'm trying to get at is that labels will box you in and hold you back. Labeling what you have or don't have isn't what gives you freedom, but rather, how you break free from those labels gives you liberation.
I also wanted to share these thoughts I've had and am having because sometimes they are hard to voice out loud but I know there are others who might feel this way and just not be able to admit it. Or maybe they are afraid they are just really weird and they are the only ones having these types of thoughts.
I don't know, but I just want you all to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And if we are all a little more honest with ourselves and our feelings/thoughts, we might just be able to heal a little better.
Honesty, I've found is the number one key to breaking free from ED or any other kind of obsession, because when we are being honest with ourselves, we are able to see everything for what it is and accept that, okay maybe we have a couple things we don't like about ourselves or there are things we do that we know aren't healthy. But being able to realize these issues is the biggest and most often bravest part.
Healing comes from admitting your struggles. How would we ever be able to heal or change if we couldn't first know exactly what we were trying to do?
I know this post is not coherent, but just please know that you are not alone. I am truly here for any of you who want to talk or share thoughts with!