When I am working it does seem to be calmer, but sometimes this is just an act. The definition of calm is kind of the way I would describe my time at work: a person not showing or feeling nervousness, anger, or other emotions.
At work I tend to keep all my emotions in lock down, not to let them out until I get home. Then let the flood gates open and release all the built up anger, frustration, and sadness I've been carrying around all day.
Sounds healthy right?
But somehow I think this is something we all do to some extent. We don't like to show other people how we are feeling, in fear they'll find out who we really are, or see that we are not who we pretend to portray.
At work I impersonate someone who is immune to everything and everyone. I keep a calm composure through all the ups and downs of the day, and never complain to anyone about my feelings or thoughts. While everyone around me is up in arms about the change of plans for the hundredth time, I'll stand there and seemingly go-with-the-flow even if my insides are screaming out with frustration.
Sometimes, however, I trip up and can't keep the cap on my bottle of emotions and some spill out. Typically it's anger which tends to be seem all over my face. I have a hard time hiding anger and it comes out through the look on my face. These days are nice once in a while because I am actually feeling something and releasing it, even if it's not on purpose. It feels a little bit freeing.
Most of the time at work I just feel like a robot, going through the motions, taking orders, and doing everything without question. But on the inside my brain is going a thousand miles per minute, thinking about what I said to this girl or that kid, or what my hair looks like, or what people are thinking about me, etc.
Most days at work I am sad, but no one would ever notice.
I do struggle between wanting to show my emotions and yet hoping no one ever knows how I feel, which is kind of the worst feelings to have together. It's like wanting to drown yet hoping someone will save you at the same time. You're not sure what you want.
When I'm not at work, if I have the day off or something I tend to slip away into a state of utter bleakness. Not really wanting to do anything, yet feeling as though my life isn't worth anything if I don't. I try to make my day interesting but by the end I just want to lay down and watch some stupid TV show in order to escape my own mind. It's so weird how my days go.
One day I can be so happy and feel so positive, and yet the next day I can be a complete mess, crying with mascara dripping all down my face. In ways work as helped me become stronger mentally, but sometimes I wonder if I've just gotten better at shoving my emotions away.
Is becoming mentally stronger really a good thing, or am I just stronger at the masquerade?
Do people really want to see how I'm feeling? Aren't there enough people who do that? Maybe it's okay to just shut up and not complain or tell everything your opinion or how you feel about this or that. Sometimes I think that my being quiet might actually be a good thing. That being able to hide my feelings might help everyone involved. Maybe there's no need for my voice to join the endless jumble of other voices.
I enjoy being quiet and aloof. Yet I might enjoy letting my guard down sometimes.