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It started out just as telling me to avoid “bad” foods, like ice cream and potato chips, and to eat more “good” foods, like fruits and vegetables.
As things progressed it began telling me to run at least two miles each day, that I needed to skip breakfast, and then lunch.
And before I knew it, the voices started telling me I had to run at least four miles each day, cut out even more 'bad' foods, and eventually that I couldn't eat more than 500 calories a day or else I was a failure.
It claimed it could help me forget my loneliness.
But then it got way out of control. By the end of my freshmen year of college, I was barely able to walk due to malnourishment, I had trouble enjoying any activities with friends due to fear of food, and I was struggling in my classes due to this lack of food and concentration.
At the beginning of my recovery, ED’s voice was very loud. It kept telling me that I was even more of a failure, because I was in the hospital being forced to eat and not exercise.
However, as I got farther along in recovery, I learned that even though I might have agreed with what it told me, I disobeyed its commands.
At first, it seemed impossible. But it did get easier.
Now, even though I still hear its demands and lies every day, I disagree with what it says, and follow my heart.
And on the bad days in recovery, which everyone has, I tell myself that every day in recovery is better than any day in a relapse.
I have used my recovery from my eating disorder as a tool to help others learn about eating disorders. I wrote a research paper called “Starving For Perfection: What Educators Need to Know About Eating Disorders.”.
Using my personal knowledge about eating disorders helped me write a powerful paper that gives insight into eating disorders most teachers do not understand. It has been shared with the REDI Clinic, the eating disorder outpatient treatment center for Southeastern Wisconsin, and I won a $1100 scholarship for it from the Education Department at Carthage College.
I have used this paper as motivation to continue to fight ED, because my recovery experience is helping to teach others about eating disorders, and it might help students get the professional help they need from eating disorders.
Everyone needs motivation to recover from his or her eating disorder. It can be anything from graduating high school to getting married and having children.
What is your motivation?