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And by the time I did, I was in an abusive relationship and he wanted me to be emaciated. But I was too ashamed to get help.
My first symptom of my anorexia was when I was twelve. I'd started my periods early, and all of a sudden they stopped. I was terrified as the only thing I knew at this age that could stop a period was pregnancy, And as my older brother (much older) had sexually abused me from the age of four, I presumed this was the case.
I can't begin to find words for the terror I went through but I eventually told my parents, which was a huge mistake. They told me it was my fault my brother had done what he did. My mother was mentally ill, and had never liked me. She was frequently violent and emotionally and physically neglectful to just me. My older siblings didn't seem to be affected.
I still didn't know if I was pregnant or not, and even though I knew I could take a test from the doctor, I couldn't go to our local one as I was scared he would say something to my Mother.
Years passed as I attempted, and failed to be the perfect daughter, in the hope that my mother might love me.
I got kicked out of home at seventeen because I went to a church I'd been told not to and that if I did I was not wanted back home. I thought they were joking. Turns out they weren't.
When I decided to go into nursing I was still terribly thin and emotionally vulnerable. After eighteen months I was raped by a fellow nurse. I left the course immediately. However this meant I had nowhere to stay.
Six weeks previously I'd met a guy on a plane. Bearing in mind all my friends were at university and I couldn't go home, I asked if I could crash with him for awhile. I was desperate. I couldn't tell him about the rape (my disclosing to my parents about the first abuse had gone so wrong, so why tell someone you've only just met??). So I lied and said I had a terrible period.
The relationship was never equal and the domestic abuse started soon after I moved in. Almost ten years later I escaped.
By then I was tiny.
He hated me gaining weight and had controlled everything I put in my mouth. At one stage I had to go on hormone treatment for breast lumps.
When I went up to a size fourteen, he wouldn't have sex (it was rough and abusive, so making love isn't the right phrase) with me unless it was in the dark. I wasn't allowed to undress or dress in front of him as I was so ugly.
I did escape in the end.
I finally met the most amazing man ever and am married to him now. We've been together fourteen years.
Four years ago I finally sought help for my anorexia. Last year I took the huge step in going into a day hospital program. It was extremely scary and very hard, but I'm glad I took the leap.
I'm still in recovery now and some days are still horribly hard, but I know I'm on the right path.
I'm about to start a fifty-two week specialist psychotherapy program which is terrifying But I've worked full time (somehow) throughout all of this and have completed two college degrees and a post grad diploma, so I know it's possible.
The most recent degree was an MA in Art History. I don't have any family but I have amazing friends and I've had a number of felines in my life. I've also had my love of nature and Buddhist teachings to anchor me.
My road is still being traveled and this week saw a major kink in it, but I know I'll find a way forward.