During my anorexia, when I was told I had to let go of the Ed, I didn’t understand the logic. Everyone kept telling me that by letting go of his voice, I would triumph over him. But what I was thinking in my head was, ‘If I let go of Ed, I lose. I will be giving up and will fail at life.”
This seems like a crazy thing to think now, when I can put it into perspective, but during this time, I truly believed that’s what was going to happen. I would be giving up on Ed and thus giving up on life as well.
The reason for this was that I thought Ed was helping me. I falsely believed that I was doing something good by trusting in Ed and by doing the things he told me to do. He gave my promises that allowed me to believe I was in control of my life, and by letting go of that, I felt as though I was losing something more than just Ed.
I would lose the false security that he offered me. I would lose the false hope he was providing and the fake promises he was giving me. I would lose my sense of control, my sense of self.
When someone has anorexia, the Ed can seem like the only thing they have. It can be the only source of comfort or peace in their life. And letting go of that can be painful.
Unfortunately it’s the only way to freedom.
Letting go of ED and his lies might feel like you are giving up on something you’ve worked so hard for. It might feel like you’re failing at life, failing at getting somewhere, doing something, but in reality, the only thing you’re giving up is the turmoil.
When Ed is let go, you gain so much more than you feel like you’re losing.
You gain power back even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. You gain freedom. You gain control. You gain a new sense of self.
It can be hard to see how this is possible. For so long you were friends with Ed. He was your best friend, the one person who was always there for you. How could you say goodbye?
But there’s something you have to realize. Ed was never your friend. He has never been there for you in the way you’ve wanted. He has only been a source of deep pain and struggle within your life.
And once you are ready to see that, you are ready to give him up.
Learning to change the way you see Ed is not easy, especially if you have been with him for a long time. It can be scary and uncomfortable. It can feel as though you are doing something wrong, even. You will feel guilty and want to run back to him.
But you won’t.
Because you will discover that you are more powerful than Ed. You are stronger than he is and you will no longer take his bullshit.
The things he tells you are lies. The things he says he’ll give you are lies. Ed is a liar.
Letting go of Ed is the first step to freedom, and possibly the most important step you’ll have to make.
What can you do today to let go?
-Watch and listen for his lies. Identify them. Get used to what they sound like so you can recognize when he’s talking to you.
-Talk back to Ed. Once you are familiar with his voice, talk back, argue, make your case, stand your ground. Be mean, yell. Ed is not your friend.
-Disobey him. This one will take time so don’t get upset with yourself if it doesn’t come easy at first. It will take a lot of time and practice to be a master of disobeying Ed. Look at Ed as a nasty husband or boyfriend who has treated you badly. Be a rebel, and don’t follow his commands.
-Write it down. Sometimes it can help to see the conversations you have with Ed to really see how crazy they are. Try writing down a recent conversation you’ve had with Ed. What do you notice?
Start with those and see how it goes.
Ed does not deserve you. You do not deserve Ed. Fight back.