I have. And I still do.
It's a hard thing to explain, but it's kind of simple at the same time. You're feeling guilty doing the right thing because you are disobeying someone else, who you've trusted for a long time.
Ed makes you feel this way. He wants us to feel guilty while we are heading down the better path because he doesn't want us to leave him.
It's kind of like when you're a teenager and start to disobey your parents. You feel guilty doing so but at the same time you feel guilty by not doing so.
For me, an example of this might be deciding what to eat. I open the fridge to grab lunch and there's a clear "ED" option of salad and vegetables or there's a "recovery" option of a turkey sandwich with cheese and fruit. My ED brain automatically starts talking, telling me that if I pick the sandwich, I will gain weight and feel guilty afterwards. However, my recovery thoughts tell me that caving into ED's demands will only hurt me more, so I grab the sandwich and begin eating lunch.
After I'm done, I feel guilty that I chose the sandwich because I disobeyed ED. But if I had chosen the salad I would have felt guilty because I disobeyed the "right" choice.
So either way, you might end up feeling guilty, but it's which kind of guilt you want to feel. Believe it or not there is a guilt that allows you to heal.
The only way to deal with the guilt you feel when disobeying ED is to realize that ED is no longer a friend, but an enemy. Pretend ED has done something terrible to you (in truth he has because he is making you sick) and you want to get back at him by not listening to his commands.
He tells you to go for a run, don't do it. He tells you to eat only the fruit on the plate, eat the bread too.
At first these actions will feel horrible. You will want to cave in and listen to ED again, but remember, ED has hurt you. He no longer deserves your attention and obedience.
After a little while, as you begin to realize that you are more important than ED, the guilty feelings will diminish and you will be able to make the right choices every time without the added guilt.
Like everything in recovery, this is not easy and it won't happen over night, but with practice and determination, it will happen and you will be able to disobey ED without guilt.
Just remember, who would you rather disobey, ED or your heart, your soul, your little child within you?
Share your thoughts with me about this? Have you ever experienced these types of feelings?