I still don't really know what recovery really means, but for me I know I am on the verge of being fully there. It's just something I can feel in side because last year I was no where close and I know what that feels like to be incredibly low. And now today, I have come so far and freedom is closer than it has ever been before.
Last year I didn't even believe in recovery. I thought it was just a stupid word because I was so entangled in Ed that I assumed that was how I would always be. Today, that is different, and although I don't believe that I will never struggle again, I have hope in recovery and I know it's possible.
Recovery to me is being free. I have always had this thing with butterflies and used them as my motivation for healing because they are a caterpillar and just when they think the world has ended (thus they go into their cocoon), they transform into a beautiful butterfly and they are free. This is what I feel my journey has been like. I was once a small girl who was happy but Ed came over me like a cocoon and I was stuck in it for so long that I thought I would never get out, but by peeling back each layer one by one I am now emerging from the darkness and seeing the light. And one day soon I will be completely free from the cocoon of Ed and I will leave him behind and be free.
Today, I believe I am so close to peeling off those last few layers of the cocoon. Last year I was in complete darkness, immersed in relapse and I couldn't see the light, and today I am almost there, in full light.
Over the past year I have gone through different phases of eating and exercise. In the beginning I was all about gaining mass and muscle and ate anything at anytime, but then as I got to reading, I started changing things up and ate certain foods at certain times revolving around my workouts. Then I was obsessed with protein shakes and would have those everyday, pre-workout drinks and all that jazz. Then I got into a bout with fearing carbs and not wanting to eat them at night for fear of gaining fat. But today, I have overcome all these obstacles. I no longer obsess about getting in a protein shake after a workout and I don't waste money on pre-workouts or fancy pills to help with my strength. I am no longer afraid of carbs, even at night. In fact I have changed my diet to include most of my carbs at night and I am not freaking out.
I think recovery comes when you have a balance with all things including healthy foods and healthy exercise along with some foods that maybe aren't so healthy but you enjoy them and also days when you just take time to relax.
It's taken me a long time to accept that fact; that life is a balance. It was so hard for me to eat a food that was considered "bad" or "forbidden" and to take a rest day was unheard of a year ago, but today I am proudly embracing these things. I eat chocolate every single day and am not ashamed of it. I take two full rest days; do absolutely nothing and I love it.
Recovery isn't perfect because I'm not perfect but I'm always progressing even if I take a step back sometimes. Every situation is a learning opportunity and I can turn it into a motivation to do better next time. There will always be days when I am triggered to go back to Ed and that's okay, just as long as I push through those and continue to make the right choices for me in order to be happy and healthy.
I think the biggest thing I have learned on my journey has been to always be proud of myself and my accomplishments. There's a quote by Rob Dyer that stands out and it's, "at the end of the day you can either focus on whats tearing you apart or what's holding you together." At the end of the day I choose to focus on what I did right and what held me together because those are the things that really matter.
Focus on your strengths and be proud of every accomplishment. Big or small.
xoxo
Tayla
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