I wouldn't say that my eating disorder has taken a turn for the worse because, quite frankly, I love food, but I will say my general mental state has been on a downward spiral. Obviously if you read my last post, you'd know this already so I won't go into details about that again. 

But I will detail a couple of things that have been on my mind as of late. 

1. The title of this post is probably a lie because I honestly couldn't tell you who the real me is. 

2. Where does one draw the line between "fake it 'til you make it" and just admitting they're not doing well?

3. After "recovering" from an eating disorder or addiction or just a need to please everyone else but yourself, how do you know when you're listening to your heart or just being selfish? 

All of these thoughts seem to connect now that I've written them down...number 2 and 3 both come back to number 1 which revolves around the fact that I have no clue who I really am. 

Because when you have any kind of addiction, lying, manipulation, and anger (just to name a few) come into play more than we'd like to admit, but it's true. I can't really remember a time when I didn't lie about my eating or exercising while in the grips of ED, and my anger was out of control because if I didn't get what I wanted (or more accurately, what ED wanted), I would explode with rage. Which brings me to the skill I developed due to all of this, manipulation. Manipulation of others, of myself, of thoughts, and actions. I used this tactic to get my way, ED's way, etc. 

So is that who I am? A liar, manipulator, and basically a selfish bitch? (excuse the language). 

I don't know.

And that's scary. How can I not know this? How can I be with myself 24/7 and not figure out who I am?

Because the last nine years I've been living in a different world. A world filled with addiction and self-control and needing things to be a certain way or else. And as I try to emerge from this shell, it's hard to just return to a normal world (if there's such a thing). The old habits are easy to hold onto. Yes, the eating behaviors too, but more so, the personality behaviors. Lying came so easy to me because I was doing it everyday to keep ED safe and happy, so it's easy to fall back to. 

In recovery, everyone stressed that I needed to "know myself" and that, that would allow me to "do what was right for myself", and don't get me wrong, this is awesome and really helped me heal, but where is the limit? I mean can you just say "oh, but that wasn't the best thing for me?" when you want to get out of something you don't want to do? Or, in other words, are you just being selfish? are you just holding yourself back? 

Because I've used this ploy many times, and during all of them I honestly believed I was doing the best thing for myself, but now I'm not so sure it was a good thing. Could "knowing yourself" just be an excuse or is it really something that can help you in life?

Which brings me to my next question, where is the line between admitting you're not okay, and faking it or lying and saying "I'm fine"? 'Cause I've always been pretty good at just admitting my suffering, but I know I just fake my sanity when I'm around certain people, most likely because I'm afraid of their reaction. Can you really show your true emotions, your true self to everyone? Is that what people want to see? When you expose your real, raw self, do people respond better?

Personally, no. People say they're fine because it's easy and exposing ourselves and our true feelings is not something we readily do in this society. Am I right? If someone were to ask me how I was right now, I could lie and say 'I'm doing good' and go on my way or I could spill out the truth and say, 'You know, I really feel like shit right now and I can't figure out why'. But what am I expecting from the other person? They weren't ready for my truth, they were ready for my lie.

So I clearly don't have any answers here to my inquiries, but I guess mystery is better than conclusion sometimes...

I guess it's about time I stop hiding and post something eh?

Yes, I have to admit that I've been avoiding writing for one main reason that I'm not okay. 

I have been 'surviving' and even though my eating is fine, I have more days when I'm down than when I'm up. This is a complete flip-flop from the summer, as I thought I was doing good and I was happy, but now I can't say I am happy and I know I'm not alright.

It's hard for me to write this on this blog because I feel like I should be 'better' to write on here. I should be giving advice to those who are suffering, but how can I sit here and do that when it's myself who needs advice? 

But no one is perfect and recovery is sloppy. This is just another valley I have to go through in order to get to the other side right? Well, at least I'd like to think so. 

So yeah, like I said, eating's been fine, not really struggling there, but I'm depressed and suicidal. There, I said it. There's more times that I think about ending my life, than saving it. And I've never really said this out loud except to Ben, because when people are suicidal, others think they're crazy, messed up, stupid, etc. 

I feel as though I just haven't been myself, like something inside me cracked and I don't know how to go about fixing it. Or even if it can be fixed. 

What do you do when life is no longer something you want to do? What do you do when nothing makes you as happy anymore?

I can't seem to figure out what went wrong, where I broke, but I'm sinking faster than I can keep myself afloat. I tried to cut myself and I've taken Oxy and alcohol to try to soothe the pain of my emotions but where is that going to get me? Just deep into a different addiction which will end up controlling me instead. I know how it works, how people get hooked on certain things, and yet I'm doing it fully aware of the reality. 

I just want to escape. Escape this messed up life, escape my thoughts, escape my emotions and pain. I don't want to feel anything anymore because it hurts too much. I really just can't deal with everything and that's why ending it all sounds so appealing. 

It's the easy route and that's what I want. I'm sick of everything being so damn hard. I don't want to have to work at being happy, hell, I could care less about being happy. I just want to be numb. 

I just don't feel good enough for anyone anymore. I constantly fail at things and am incapable of doing anything right. The best part of my days is the gym because when I'm there I get lost in the exercises and don't think. I shut my brain off and relax, but as soon as I get home I am smacked in the face with reality and shit hits the wall. 

My days are spent waiting for them to be over. Or I just sleep and waste time that way. Sleeping has become one of my favorite things because, again, my brain shuts off and thinking ceases. Nothing can be wrong when I'm asleep. 

I know people think I need help and I won't argue with them. I need help, but I don't want help. It's almost as if sadness, for me, is my comfort zone, I know what it's like here and so why leave? I don't believe things will get better so why try?

And yet, there is a voice inside telling me that this isn't really who I am, that this sadness doesn't have to be my life. Maybe I should hone in on this voice instead of listening to the negative one. But it's too hard. 

Tayla