This is my life. Constantly not feeling good enough.
A lot of people talk about how to believe in yourself even when others don't, but they don't really specify who the 'others' are. Because if they are just other people, like co-workers or gym buddies, that's one thing, but what if it's your closest loved ones who don't believe in you?
That's usually where my struggles lie, because sometimes those around me, my fiance, my mom, my dad, fail to realize they're putting me down or just not showing how much they care about me. And I think this is common because we do, we typically wind up hurting those closest to us, the most. And maybe we'll never understand why, but there is something I can do for myself, even if they don't change.
Because you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.
It's not something new, my mom has always been a workaholic, restless, and constantly active, but for some reason, lately, I've been feeling kind of bad/sad/angry because I don't want to go for a walk every two hours, I don't want to stay busy, for God's sake I just want to relax for once and sit on my butt! What is do wrong with that?
Nothing, and that's the point. There's nothing wrong with relaxing, but I feel guilty for doing it, because my mom unconsciously makes me feel bad for it. She jokes and calls be lazy.
What she may or may not know (I don't know), is that during my anorexia days, lazy was one of the worst things people could call me. I hated being lazy, and now that I'm recovering, lazy is something I've allowed myself to be.
So instead of feeling guilty, I have to continually remind myself that how I feel is okay, that relaxing is okay, and that my mom and I are different in this way.
Because I have a background with ED, his voice still pops into my head now and again. Typically he tries to alter my view and turn my reassurances in excuses. This used to happen with food all the time. If I decided it was okay to eat a meal because my body needed the nutrients, ED would trick my mind into thinking that this completely practical reason for eating was only an excuse to eat.
Even though feeling good enough doesn't really apply to eating right now, ED still works in the same ways. He's constantly there, in the back of my mind, trying to trip me up, trying to make me feel worthless.
But believing in myself is something I have to choose, and if ED wants to turn it into something else, that's his problem! I have to do what's best for me and if being lazy is what I need to do, then I'm gonna do it, and not feel guilty about it.
Same goes for other things that come up. For example, I finished all my college classes the other day, so now I'm ready to graduate, yet no one said anything like 'congrats Tay!' or 'proud of you Tay', but that's okay because I'm proud of myself and that's all that matters.
I've based my whole self-worth on getting the approval of others, and I'm not going to do it anymore. Because people will let you down, even if they don't mean it. But if I can believe in myself and be proud of myself, then I don't need others to approve.
Obviously, all this is easier said than done. I'm been trying to believe in myself for years and it's still a battle. I still search for approval in the eyes of others. And some days it's easier than others.
But I don't think it's a bad thing because life is a learning process, and we're not perfect. We'll never be.