I would love to tell everyone around me this at least a couple times over, because, let's be honest, I'm not the most joyful person in the world. In fact, I'm probably more cold and hard to understand rather than not most of the time.
And you know what? I am okay with this....well, when I'm alone anyway.
When I have others around me who expect me to be more than what I can be in that moment, I begin to doubt myself and wind up feeling pretty unworthy.
Actually, I feel pretty unworthy all the time, and I still can't grasp whether that's my own insecurities coming out or if it's really the other people's expectations that make me feel this way.
I mean, how can I tell? Everything just blends into one, makes me depressed, and angry, and overwhelmed at how much I hate who I am. And I keep telling myself that the opinions and thoughts of others do not determine who I am or how I should feel about myself, but really? How is that supposed to work?
How can one live with others and not feel like they need to live up to them or prove to them, they're more?
I've never really experienced how it feels to just live for myself, because I just end up feeling guilty after people get mad at me for being, so called 'selfish' and 'stubborn'.
No body teaches you how to believe in yourself or how to be strong in your own beliefs...because it's not easy. I don't even know where to start, and I've been trying to start for ten years!
I've been close a few times by trying to just let go and let myself BE, but then I made some bad decisions and mistakes that I couldn't forgive myself for and everything went to shit from there. But mistakes are supposed to happen right? How else would we learn? Yet, I can't forgive myself and move on because they replay in my mind every single day, reminding me how horrible I am and how much no one loves me and so on.
And how could I think to love myself, when others don't? I must be really stupid to do something that dumb! Because if I still loved myself after making those kind of mistakes, what does that say about me? That those were okay? No, I should hate myself.
And when I hate myself, I treat myself as though I don't matter. I numb the pain so I don't have to think about the problems, I ignore the reasons behind the emotions, and I, in turn take it out on those around me, by being cold and thoughtless.
I don't know where to begin. I don't know where to turn, who to turn to, or if turning is even a good idea. Maybe living this kind of life is what I deserve. If I don't feel like I matter, than I must not matter, right?
I say these things, and yet, I know deep down in my heart, that I don't NOT matter. I know I deserve better, to be happy, to forgive and love myself, but it's too damn hard to focus on such a small whisper from my heart when all the other voices in my head are so much louder.
How do I believe in myself even when no one else does?
How do I continue to love myself even when I don't feel that others don't?
How do I make my way through life, when others believe I'll always fail?
Because I know I can have a good life. I know I can draw and be an artist and still make a living. But others around me (besides my mom) don't believe it's possible. I feel like a failure in the eyes of others, and that makes me believe I am a failure.
Maybe one day, I'll have some answers to my questions, so for now I guess I just have to start searching....