I came across this question in a book my Mom gave me called The Body God Designed, and it's been the most important question I have ever had to ask myself.
Why was I so controlling? Why did I need to control my intake? What was I doing this for?
I think these are the questions everyone asks of you as well. Everyone is wondering why in the world would you choose to do this to yourself?!
And of course that's the question because when you really stop and look at the big picture, you realize what you are doing is crazy and it's seemingly the behavior of someone who is completely delusional.
I mean it makes sense, even if you don't want to admit it, believing certain things about food and weight is the definition of being delusional.
I don't think I need to spell it out for you. If you've been through this, you know the beliefs I'm referring to.
So why can't we change these even after we have the proven facts that tell us they cannot be true?
That has always confused me, even when I was in the depths of my anorexia. I knew what I was doing, and what I was believing but yet at the same time I couldn't understand the why behind it.
But this is how addictions work right? They're addictive. It's not something you can just change.
So back to my original question, "What are you trying to control by keeping yourself from eating?" How would you answer this?
And it could go anyway depending on what type of eating disorder you struggle with or even any other addiction. It's about control so what are you trying to control by acting on these certain behaviors?
When I first answered this, my response was, 'everything'. I felt as though my whole life was out of my control so eating seemed like the only thing I could I could have power over. Everything was too overwhelming for me, I had lost my best friends, couldn't be the daughter my Dad wanted, and hated my body so much that I didn't eve want people to see me.
Controlling my intake seemed like the natural thing to do even if I didn't consciously believe that at the beginning.
Because anorexia is not a choice we just consciously make, but rather something that comes on as a way to control something that we feel is out of our control.
By controlling what I put into my mouth, I falsely believed that I was now in control of my life and everything that went along with that.
When actually in reality, I was never in control of anything. That's the thing with Ed or Ana, it allows you to believe that you are in control, when it's really the one controlling you.
Because when I fell prey to anorexia, my life went down hill. I lost even more friends, my Dad and I grew apart even more to the point where I didn't talk with him, and no matter how small I got and how little I weighed, I still hated my body with a passion.
The thing everyone says about eating disorders is that it's not about the food, but I disagree. It has everything to do with the food. Food is how we control our world.
Yes, there are underlying issues that cause us to need this control, but food is how we take it out, so how could food not play a role?
I've heard the same thing through my whole journey, 'what are the underlying issues?' But the first thing you do in recovery is focus on the food and your weight? Seems completely backwards right?
I don't know, maybe it's just me, but shouldn't the first steps in recovery be focusing on what makes us stay with Ed/Ana?
And this is a very controversial topic in eating disorders, but what isn't? I think that because so many people are so different, it makes it hard to treat this illness.
But there is one thing in common that I always go back to and that is, 'What are you trying to control by keeping yourself from eating?'
How would YOU answer that?
xoxo
Tayla
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