Yes, I have to admit that I've been avoiding writing for one main reason that I'm not okay.
I have been 'surviving' and even though my eating is fine, I have more days when I'm down than when I'm up. This is a complete flip-flop from the summer, as I thought I was doing good and I was happy, but now I can't say I am happy and I know I'm not alright.
It's hard for me to write this on this blog because I feel like I should be 'better' to write on here. I should be giving advice to those who are suffering, but how can I sit here and do that when it's myself who needs advice?
But no one is perfect and recovery is sloppy. This is just another valley I have to go through in order to get to the other side right? Well, at least I'd like to think so.
So yeah, like I said, eating's been fine, not really struggling there, but I'm depressed and suicidal. There, I said it. There's more times that I think about ending my life, than saving it. And I've never really said this out loud except to Ben, because when people are suicidal, others think they're crazy, messed up, stupid, etc.
I feel as though I just haven't been myself, like something inside me cracked and I don't know how to go about fixing it. Or even if it can be fixed.
What do you do when life is no longer something you want to do? What do you do when nothing makes you as happy anymore?
I can't seem to figure out what went wrong, where I broke, but I'm sinking faster than I can keep myself afloat. I tried to cut myself and I've taken Oxy and alcohol to try to soothe the pain of my emotions but where is that going to get me? Just deep into a different addiction which will end up controlling me instead. I know how it works, how people get hooked on certain things, and yet I'm doing it fully aware of the reality.
I just want to escape. Escape this messed up life, escape my thoughts, escape my emotions and pain. I don't want to feel anything anymore because it hurts too much. I really just can't deal with everything and that's why ending it all sounds so appealing.
It's the easy route and that's what I want. I'm sick of everything being so damn hard. I don't want to have to work at being happy, hell, I could care less about being happy. I just want to be numb.
I just don't feel good enough for anyone anymore. I constantly fail at things and am incapable of doing anything right. The best part of my days is the gym because when I'm there I get lost in the exercises and don't think. I shut my brain off and relax, but as soon as I get home I am smacked in the face with reality and shit hits the wall.
My days are spent waiting for them to be over. Or I just sleep and waste time that way. Sleeping has become one of my favorite things because, again, my brain shuts off and thinking ceases. Nothing can be wrong when I'm asleep.
I know people think I need help and I won't argue with them. I need help, but I don't want help. It's almost as if sadness, for me, is my comfort zone, I know what it's like here and so why leave? I don't believe things will get better so why try?
And yet, there is a voice inside telling me that this isn't really who I am, that this sadness doesn't have to be my life. Maybe I should hone in on this voice instead of listening to the negative one. But it's too hard.