This is why I love not working but why I also hate it.
I think it is necessary to take the time to look at life and ask questions. This allows us to grow and to change certain things that aren't working. However, sometimes what ends up happening is that work becomes our lives, so we never have the time to ponder such things, or if we do, we tend not to do anything about our thoughts.
You could say I have a love-hate relationship with the whole "work" thing. But anyway, lately I haven't been working so I've been thinking, and typically when I think it's not always about the good things.
My thoughts, when left to their own devices, stray towards negativity and depression. I seem to get a high off being pessimistic.
It sounds crazy, but I think I'm not the only one on this. I have a feeling others feel this way too, like they have to be miserable in order to be happy. Okay, maybe it's just me.
I'm not entirely sure why this happens, I just feel an overwhelming sense of misery when I think about my life and the world around me. Like I've lost faith in everything. And when I've lost faith, believing in something good seems like a joke, like a lie.
B tries to tell me to "look on the bright side" but how can I do that when there is no bright side? When was there ever a bright side?
These days I've also been drawn to more depressing songs and artists who make me think. B got us tickets to see Kasey Musgraves in Boston so I have been listening to her a lot. I really love what she does because she has such a cynical view of the world, but doesn't make it too obvious in her music. Her Merry-Go-Round song is one of my favorites. Eli Young Band is another artist with songs I feel I can connect with. Guinevere is also one of my favorites.
{from the song Guinevere}
For as much as she stumbled she's runnin'
For as much as she runs she's still here
Always hoping to find something quicker than heaven
To make the damage of her days disappear
Those words just hit home for me, especially the second line, "for as much as she runs she's still here". I feel like I try so hard to get ahead of my demons, to escape this life, and yet I'm still here, the same as I've always been.
I'm a big believer in being okay with your sadness. So many people try to push it away or store it inside themselves for some fear of being weak or breaking apart. But maybe it's okay to break apart sometimes.
Maybe we need to be sad in order to be happy. As happy as we can be.