Take it away girl!
You listen because it seems to put you in control.
I am not sure why this voice entered or how it became so powerful. But it did. A voice that started just telling me I wasn’t good enough, that I should do this, that I shouldn’t do that or that I would never be the perfect Alex everyone expected.
It is hard to even describe when this voice became my voice. There was a six-year period of my life where even as hard as therapists tried to get me to distinguish this ED voice, I could not. My isolation, my obsessions, my under fueled body could not fathom the idea that some voice could be that powerful to take over. But it did.
While I wish I could say that voice went away after the first day treatment, or the second day treatment or even entering college.. it didn’t. If anything it got stronger and I grew more and more in denial. Sure, an eating disorder can get to that point where your body is literally screaming for help, but there is also the point where your body doesn’t quite show the insane thoughts that won’t go away. I lived a vast majority of this six year period in a quasi recovery where I swore I was ok. That ‘I’m ok’ was that ED voice just reassuring myself that this kind of life was how I needed to live. I didn’t need friends, I didn’t need support, all I needed was ED.
I was hospitalized twice in high school. This was in my early stages of the disorder. When I really did not fully understand its power. I still remember the first time having to be sedated and hand cuffed to the bed because I was clawing at my face. Who was this girl? A girl who got straight As in school, leadership of clubs, and never caused a fuss. Looking back, I didn’t double guess my actions in the moment. It felt like my only choice. The police sitting outside my door for the whole 10 day stay never hit home with me. I literally can feel the ED forcing its voice into action, telling me that the food I was about to eat would make me even more of a failure. Clawing at my face just to escape the reality that was about to happen by being forced in this hospital.
A big part of recovery is distinguishing that voice from your own. There was a point in college where I got those glimpses of the separate two voices but I did not have the power to overcome the ED voice. I listened, I obeyed and I grew more and more entrenched. The actions grew so normal. Oh, this is just me. It’s not ED. It’s me. A sad and scary denial.
However, I still remember that moment when I realized I gave it too much power. Where I realized I was giving the ED my life.
Two weeks into full residential treatment my junior year of college in 2011, I had that breaking point. No, not breaking point – clarity moment. I was forced to meet with the director of the program after refusing to eat something. I sat in the chair and they told me I was going to be kicked out if I didn’t obey. One measly drink and I was sitting there like a stubborn four year old, screaming like the devil over this one drink.
Here I was, insurance was fully covering this amazing treatment center. Here I was with a handful of people willing to help me succeed. Here I was throwing away more of my life besides the already six years I spent in this turmoil. In that chair, I turned from borderline aggressive and angry to flat out sad. I balled.
I didn’t want this voice that told me I didn’t deserve this to let me drag my life down the drain.
All I can say is, from that point on I made myself distinguish the healthy Alex from the ED voice. Sure it whispers, sometimes it speaks at normal levels but not acting on it is what I learned recovery is all about. That voice does not deserve the Alex that I share with the world. The more you act against that voice, the quieter it gets. The more you question that voice, the more your healthy self can shine.
Take that plunge and fight that voice.
All I can say is it is worth it.
Thank YOU Alex, You are an inspiration!
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xoxo
Tayla
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