There are a lot of things I can do very well. I draw, I write, I cook. I can make people gifts and create beautiful pieces of art. But where does this get me? These things will never amount to anything that's worthwhile. If only I could make a living off of these things, then maybe they would mean something.
I also love farming. I love getting my hands dirty and growing food from scratch, but my dream of owning my own farm and running a health food store will never happen because you need money for that shit. Nothing happens in life without money.
But what am I willing to sacrifice in order to have this money?
In my head, my dream life is doing something that brings me great joy and having kids who I can love and take care of and living in nature with the capabilities to be self-sustaining. I do know this kind of life is possible, but I'm just stumped on how to achieve it.
I also think I have two different ideas of what success feels like. One is having enough money to be comfortable and to have nice things. Two is maybe not having enough money but making a life I am proud of, such as being an artist or building a farm.
Where is the balance? How can I have both? There is a way, I just have to find it.
My hopelessness stems from believing I'll never amount to anything, that people will never think I'm successful, that I'll never think I'm successful.
But what if I was already successful? What if what I am doing right now is enough? And why can't the act of just trying be sufficient?
My dreams will come true if I can keep my depression at bay. I need to stay strong through the winds of change, because the greatest oak was once a little nut who held it's ground.