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Where Do I Go From Here...?

1/6/2014

3 Comments

 
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One of the most challenging parts of eating disorder recovery actually comes after you think you're recovered, at least it seems that way for me. Yes, I no longer use food as a form of escape or a way to cover up my feelings, yet that doesn't mean I am fine and dandy. In fact, not having ED as something to fall back to, means I am alone and on my own to deal with my overwhelming emotions. I guess in treatment, they teach you how to cope with this aspect of recovery, but I never learned any tools for this. 

So what am I to do? I retreat back to old habits, but replace food with something else, alcohol or oxycodone, in my case. It's just natural to want to look for something to numb the pain and dull the emotions because it doesn't take much for me to get engulfed in the negative and fall victim to depression and such. 

I feel as though the people around me, too, play a role in making me seek out alternatives to abusing food. I don't feel worthy enough for anyone anymore and they are constantly wishing I were someone else, or want me to be something I'm not. I know I've changed over the past couple of months. I am a lot more sad and depressed, and I'm lazy. I never feel like doing anything other than sleep or draw, and people get mad at me for this. Everyone wants me to do more, be more, talk more, laugh more, etc. I don't know how though. I'm not who I once was and I'm not sure how to get back to that person. 

I don't know what it is about emotions and feelings, but I hate them. They control me and I can't get the control back. When something is too hard for me to deal with, I want to curl up and die. I take things to the extreme and usually feel as though things would just be easier and better if I were to disappear. And the feeling that oxy gives me is too good to stop and it's hard to because people think I'm "me" when I'm on it, but I'm really just a drugged version of me and that makes me feel worse, so I take more. It's a cycle that never ends, just like the ED. 

So where do I go from here because I'm not sure I have much more room for failures. I keep going backwards when I should be moving forward, but I'm stuck with how to move towards the light? Is there even a light? I'm afraid I'll always be this way, messed up and looking for a way out. If this is what my life is, than I don't want to live it. 

I just want to be proud of myself and be able to believe in who I am and what I can do. And it's easier said than done, but I have done it before. But this time it seems ten times harder for some reason and I'm not sure why. Why does everyone around me seem to have it all figured out, and I'm just a failure. I can't do anything right and I usually end up ruining more things than not. 

Depression hurts and the worst part is that others can't see it, or they just don't believe it's a problem, but I'm not myself anymore and that's a problem. I want to be good enough for people but they want me to change and warp into something I'm not, or once was. How do I please them, when I can't please myself? How do they ever like or love me, when I don't even like or love myself?


3 Comments
Violet link
1/6/2014 09:53:15 am

I'm asking myself some of those same questions.... it kills me that people can't "see" depression, so they don't think it exists. Or if they "get" what depression is, they still think you can tough it out or whatever. So not true. My therapist and I have often talked about how when things start going south for me, my go-to coping skill is to wish for death. Not the most helpful at all, nor any logic, either.

Guess I have nothing to offer to make you feel better, just my own understanding of where you are, cause I'm there in my version of this hell right now, too.

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onebreath link
1/9/2014 02:26:14 am

When I read posts (and comments) like these, I feel both glad that we have the internet community (so we can find some support and understanding) and yet also sad (b/c I wish I could be there with you in real life and give you a solid hug).

This is a really hard time for you, I can hear the pain and despair you are feeling. I think as we progress through recovery we can feel really alone as others don't get that this is not a linear process. We go up and down and some days feel fine and then the next we feel like things will never get better. It's hard to deal with ourselves and our supports don't know what to do with it all.

I too wish I had words of wisdom to offer. I guess the only thing that helps for me is trying (which is REALLY hard) to remember that there are ups and downs and that I'm in a low right now that will go away eventually (though likely will return later, but don't focus on that!). And know that there are those out there who really get it and want you to be well for you, and know that this is not easy and not quick.

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she link
2/7/2014 05:08:51 am

i just found your site via the wild sisterhood. i'm struggling with my ed right now. as you said - if it's not one negative coping technique, it's another. do you go to counseling at all? not counseling for ed or drugs specifically, but counseling for your feelings/emotions? i go every other week and it helps take the edge off. safe hugs.

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    Tayla Anne

    She'll Be Free is my outlet for all things wonderful, healthy, loving,and strong. I am passionate about helping others find confidence and self-love through knowing their worth and finding their strength. 

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