Where Do I Go From Here...?

One of the most challenging parts of eating disorder recovery actually comes after you think you're recovered, at least it seems that way for me. Yes, I no longer use food as a form of escape or a way to cover up my feelings, yet that doesn't mean I am fine and dandy. In fact, not having ED as something to fall back to, means I am alone and on my own to deal with my overwhelming emotions. I guess in treatment, they teach you how to cope with this aspect of recovery, but I never learned any tools for this. 

So what am I to do? I retreat back to old habits, but replace food with something else, alcohol or oxycodone, in my case. It's just natural to want to look for something to numb the pain and dull the emotions because it doesn't take much for me to get engulfed in the negative and fall victim to depression and such. 

I feel as though the people around me, too, play a role in making me seek out alternatives to abusing food. I don't feel worthy enough for anyone anymore and they are constantly wishing I were someone else, or want me to be something I'm not. I know I've changed over the past couple of months. I am a lot more sad and depressed, and I'm lazy. I never feel like doing anything other than sleep or draw, and people get mad at me for this. Everyone wants me to do more, be more, talk more, laugh more, etc. I don't know how though. I'm not who I once was and I'm not sure how to get back to that person. 

I don't know what it is about emotions and feelings, but I hate them. They control me and I can't get the control back. When something is too hard for me to deal with, I want to curl up and die. I take things to the extreme and usually feel as though things would just be easier and better if I were to disappear. And the feeling that oxy gives me is too good to stop and it's hard to because people think I'm "me" when I'm on it, but I'm really just a drugged version of me and that makes me feel worse, so I take more. It's a cycle that never ends, just like the ED. 

So where do I go from here because I'm not sure I have much more room for failures. I keep going backwards when I should be moving forward, but I'm stuck with how to move towards the light? Is there even a light? I'm afraid I'll always be this way, messed up and looking for a way out. If this is what my life is, than I don't want to live it. 

I just want to be proud of myself and be able to believe in who I am and what I can do. And it's easier said than done, but I have done it before. But this time it seems ten times harder for some reason and I'm not sure why. Why does everyone around me seem to have it all figured out, and I'm just a failure. I can't do anything right and I usually end up ruining more things than not. 

Depression hurts and the worst part is that others can't see it, or they just don't believe it's a problem, but I'm not myself anymore and that's a problem. I want to be good enough for people but they want me to change and warp into something I'm not, or once was. How do I please them, when I can't please myself? How do they ever like or love me, when I don't even like or love myself?